The L Word.

Lover. I hate that word. I never really minded it before but everytime she is mentioned, Amber Frey is always referred to as Scott Peterson's lover. And now the word makes me cringe. To me, a "lover" is scandalous. Like one step above "mistress." Why not call her his ex-girlfriend, because to her, that's what she was. But to call her an ex-girlfriend wouldn't be as juicy as calling her his lover. Who wants to listen to his ex-girlfriend? I want to hear from his lover.

In the past year, two of my exes have found me online, and all of a sudden a wave of emotions hit me at the same time. Delight. Flattery. Curiosity. Nostalgia. Loving what I have now but yet still wonder what might have been. Because of the fact that my curiousity led me to contact these men, I am calling them my lovers, because according to others, I am married and therefore have no reason to know their whereabouts or motives. I'm being scandalous!

The first one contacted me a month before my wedding last April. My heart stopped when I saw his name in my email inbox. "I found your name and wondered if you were someone I once knew," the email said. Gleefully (there's a word I don't think I have ever used), I responded. And so began maybe three or four emails. He filled me on his life (he lives about 8 states away from me, married, with a baby on the way) and I filled him on my life and my upcoming wedding (THANKFULLY). Then I wondered if he was being scandalous too. His wife was about to deliver a baby in a few months and he Googles the name of the woman he was going to marry (in college, we made tentative plans). A few emails later, I stopped emailing him because my husband asked me to. He didn't think it was so innocent anymore. Not on my end, on his. And maybe it wasn't. On email, it was extremely innocent. I shared pictures of my husband and me with him, and he shared pictures of his new daughter with me. But deep down the truth was still there. This was a person I loved so much and planned to spend the rest of my life with, and here he was after so many years just a DSL line away. I wonder if his heart skipped a beat when my name appeared in his Inbox, too. I would never cheat on my husband, I can't imagine myself ever wanting to and just the thought of that makes me nauseous. But I was so curious about this man. I am convinced that he is as happy in his marriage as I am, regardless what my husband thinks. But because I respect my husband, I stopped emailing. Just like that. Without explanation. Without warning. And I feel horrible about it. I really do. And if by extremely rare chance this man comes across this blog, I want him to know that I do feel bad. And that that is the reason why I stopped writing. But maybe your wife would feel the same if she knew.

Last month I was notified by reunion.com that my name was searched for 3 times. Three people want to know my whereabouts? Who did I impact so much that they would want to find me? I dated a wounded soul in college. And he found me. He was the stereotypical fraternity guy - lewd, crude, and emotionally unattached. I met him my first day of college and we were best friends for the first 3 years. Then I fell for him and he fell for me. Then he cheated on me 3 times and I told him I never wanted to see him again. But I learned to forgive but not to forget and so we were friends again. He sucked as a boyfriend, but I missed his friendship. He left school for Arizona because college wasn't for him. And that was the last I heard from him. Until I saw his name on this list on reunion.com. I don't feel as scandalous since we were friends first and after. So I contacted him through the website not expecting a response. Who knows if I ever will.

But it's nice to know I'm not forgotten by those that mattered.