Please Pass The Jello

I hate the dentist. Yes, I know that 'hate' is a very strong word, but I hate the dentist.

My first time with this new dentist, he replaced some fillings. They were over 15 years old and were due to be replaced. Take the silver out, put the white in. After he stuck the novocaine needle into my gums, I began to sweat. And my hands started to shake. It must be the epinephrine, he said, I guess you have a bad reaction to it. I wondered if I could have nitrous oxide the next time. Even though that mask was uncomfortable, I used to have mini-hallucinations when they gave it to me when I was younger. A calm, floating feeling. His voice snapped me out of the memory. No more epinephrine for you, he promised. He replaced one filling and I was on my way. Next time he'll replace the top tooth on the other side. Then I'll be done.

The second appt. I asked for the gas. Not for this, he said. Besides, I'm not going to use epinephrine on you today. It'll be something much milder. He was right, whatever he used wasn't too bad. He replaced that filling, and as soon as I was about to tell him that I'll see him for my 6-month cleaning, he announced that next time he'll do the bottom. "I thought you were done," I begged. Done with the top. I can't do it all in one appointment, he replied. Of course.

Third time is not the charm. My last appointment. I went in and was told that he was very behind schedule and could I wait 45 minutes? I lied and told them that I had somewhere to be at 8:00. It was 6:30. "If that's a problem, I can reschedule." I had no problem going home and putting this off longer. The receptionist came back and said that he would take me in 10 minutes, and I'll definitely be home by 8.

Ten minutes later, I went in and sat on the chair, more relaxed. It was the last appointment and I knew that I would be getting the milder sedative. He gave me the novocaine and I started to get a little shaky again. I looked at him concerned. Must be the epinephrine again, he said. If I could feel my tongue, I would have complained. He put a damp towel on my head and left the room while I relaxed. He then apologized for the delay, but he's bouncing between appointments. He excused himself again, but not before putting in a video of aquatic life. That should relax you more, he said, before heading off to Unlucky Patient #2.

He was in and out throughout my visit, and yes, maybe had I waited the 45 minutes, I would have had his undivided attention. But I knew the faster I was in, the faster I get out. I have to hand it to him because miraculously, I was home a few minutes after 8:00.

As I sat with a towel on my forehead, no feeling in my gums, and watching sharks look for food and scuba divers examine seaweed, I pondered why I was there in the first place.

Junk food. Junk food at 10 years old led to cavities that led to the fillings. Forget childhood obesity. The real reason to avoid eating loads of sugar when you're a child is to avoid sitting in a dentists chair when you're 30 watching fish swim.