It's So Real

A little over a month ago, I woke up after a good night's sleep remembering a dream. In the dream, I was lying down and rubbing my stomach. I felt a little lump and said to a complete stranger, "Feel this. Does this feel pregnant to you?" They rubbed the lump on my stomach and said, "It does feel like you are pregnant." So I went to the store (still dreaming), bought a test, and came home. After I peed on a stick, I put it in the freezer (??) for a few minutes and took it out. It flashed 'PREGNANT' over and over. I woke up, gave the dream little thought, and went about my day. After work, I went to the store to get some stuff for dinner when I passed by the healthcare aisle and remembered the dream again. "What the hell," I thought. And so I bought a box of tests. One line means not pregnant, two lines mean pregnant. And sure enough, my dream was so very right on target. Two lines!

I'm having a baby.

Over the past month and a half, I have felt tired, queasy, had a few back aches, some heartburn, exhaustion (which I blame in part for lack of caffeine), absent-mindedness, and all the other wonderful symptoms that go along with this. Except morning sickness. I've been blessed with not having to run to the bathroom at the first sign of nausea. I've also been a nervous wreck.

Is it possible to malnourish the baby? Will it hurt him/her if I sneeze? What can't I eat? Does it matter which position I sleep in? It's amazing what goes through the mind when you realize that everything you do and everything you put into your body, has an effect on a child you're creating.

Hope for the best, expect the worst. That was my mentality the days and weeks leading up to yesterday's doctor's appointment. They may not hear a heartbeat. Sometimes that happens. Ken was more optimistic. The baby's fine, he would say, Stop thinking that. But that was me being realistic.

During the appointment, we went over the basics, and she answered all the questions I remembered to ask. I was too nervous to hear the heartbeat. Can't we wait until after the heartbeat to talk about this? I wanted to say. After all, if there is no heartbeat, this conversation is meaningless. When it was time to hear the heartbeat, I said a silent prayer to my unborn little fetus begging it to be there. And the microphone was turned on and we waited. No heartbeat. She moved it a little more and again. No heartbeat.

She wasn't concerned because sometimes it happens. I'll go in for an ultrasound and that will show everything. She left me to change and I broke down. I know she would have told me if she thought there was a problem so I was a little optimistic. But at the same time, my main goal in this appointment, failed.

Ken and I went down the hall, walked into a smaller room, and again, hoped for the best.
The machine was hooked up, and as I watched the screen looking for a little miracle, it appeared. A little head, but bigger than the rest of the body. Little arms and tiny stumps for legs. And the microphone turned on and the heartbeat was loud and clear. It was a little shadow of a being, but it was beautiful.

Simply amazing.